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The Paradox of a Blissful Sigh

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June 7th, 2010

10:40 pm: ten nine eight seven six five four three two one
and kerplooey
you're done
you're done for
you're done for good
so tell me
did you?
did you do?
did you do all you could?

Current Mood: scaredscared

May 23rd, 2010

11:05 pm: Fantasy books have the best quotes
"She knew her nature. She would recognize it if she came face-to-face with it. It would be a blue-eyed, green-eyed monster, wolflike and snarling. A vicious beast... a killer...

But then, it was a strange monster, for beneath its exterior it was frightened and sickened by its own violence. It chastised itself for its savagery. And sometimes it had no heart for violence and rebelled against it utterly.

A monster that refused, sometimes, to behave like a monster. When a monster stopped behaving like a monster, did it stop being a monster? Did it become something else?

Perhaps she wouldn't recognize her own nature after all."

Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

December 7th, 2009

11:38 pm: just watched a 2 minute youtube video you posted on your blog. and realized that is the most I've seen of you in what, a year and a half? I hate how I miss you so much, still.

Current Mood: sadsad

March 2nd, 2009

01:26 am: It's snowing! It's been snowing for much of the afternoon and we're supposed to get a couple more inches tomorrow too. My Kiri cat is sitting at the foot of the bed, having finished with his attempt to chew on my enticing laptop power cord.

I can't believe I'll be 26 in another few days. Haven't gotten carded much at all lately. An inordinate number of my facebook friends are engaged and/or pursuing PhDs, and I'm sure in another few years I will be freaking out about how many have children. I feel like taking care of my cat is already a huge obligation, I can't imagine the dedication it would take to raise a kid at the moment.

Current Mood: sleepysleepy

January 4th, 2009

08:21 pm: Totally not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. Two weeks off was awesome, even though I was sick for half of it.

Current Mood: tiredtired

August 2nd, 2008

10:59 pm: wii fit
is pretty fun. I think it'd be more fun if it were actually mine, and i could track my progress every day on it. I'm definitely a tracking type of gal. But weekend access is at least somethin.

Also, I really don't understand anime. I think C. and his friends have been talking anime for the past hour, hence I am in another room typing random thoughts out onto the internet. I suppose for someone who likes sci fi and fantasy as much as I do, ragging on anime for being completely ridiculous and 'made up' doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but yeah.

Sigh bored.

You know... I think part of the reason I'm ok with moving around and living in new places is that it makes it easier to feel ok about being lonely. Because if you've just arrived someplace new, well of course you don't have any friends in the area, & you expect to have to work that much more to make connections. It's a lot harder to sit around in the place you've been for years, and mentally run down the list of friends you could call just on a whim some afternoon to hang out that evening, and feel like you've failed before you started because people usually already have plans by then, or just aren't the type of people you'd call out of the blue, or everyone lives way too far away. It's a lot harder to be the one left behind.

Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated

July 19th, 2008

11:00 pm: ugh
Tell me, do you ever really get over the people you were with in the past? To the point where even after you've been drinking a bunch and all your normal defenses are down, you don't even think about them?

I'm not at that point, I guess, even now. "Closure"... whatever. I'm mad, mad that his current fiance is happy, that she's all excited that he's the greatest guy ever. I just wish that I knew if she knew the truth. And wish that it didn't even matter to me anymore.

I wonder what kind of imprint I left on his life.

Probably not much of one. Probably shouldn't give a shit anymore.

August 29th, 2007

06:30 pm: it is day 3 of my window being broken. and by broken, I mean stuck 2 feet open. there's a top pane and a bottom pane, and previously when they lifted up the bottom pane to put the window unit in, they had to unlatch the top pane. Which should in theory stay in place anyway, but the latch was the only thing keeping it up reliably it turns out. so it crashed down at some point, and i managed (still dont know how) to hoist it back up, and discovered the nails sticking out of the frame that J must have put in last summer when the room was hers. I bent them around so that they would hold it in place again, but they must've been too flimsy, because at some point last weekend it came crashing down again. And now it is well and truly jammed, and i dont have the strength to pry it up again.

i called apartment management two days ago, and again today, and they said they were sending someone to fix it. i tried to tape a garbage bag over the open space, but the tape just came off the rotting/dirty wood frame. i could probably try again with duct tape, but i'm pissed. there are no screens, of course. it's hot but it'd be ridiculous to run the window unit. i am very lucky it has not rained, these past three days.

this wouldn't even be a problem were it not for the fact that our central air has never worked properly, and they wont replace it, thus the need to reinstall the window units. in fact they have been ignoring my calls to fix it all summer and hedging that they thought it had been done, when clearly the central air was still not working. i finally called an AC repair guy directly to come look at the central air, he declared it had major freon leaks and quoted a price for its replacement. the management told me the landlady actually agreed (wonder of wonders) to replace it and they would follow up with the AC repair firm... Well, I called the AC repair guy today and gave him the number of the apartment management, and he called me back and said the guy he talked to there was not encouraging. kept telling him they didn't need the specifications he said were necessary for the unit, and he got the impression they weren't interested, wanted to use their own people. WTF? The same people who installed it the first time, so shoddily it has never worked the two summers we have been here?

question..... is it worth it to report an apartment management company to the Better Business Bureau, and is there some sort of statute of limitations you have to fall within to do so? Is there any way they can retaliate when you go to find a new apartment and have to list references and past landlords on your application? I would report them in a flash except i'm worried about the ramifications for finding a new place to live after this. i am still considering, however, calling the housing inspector to come, and check out our rotting windows (half of which still wont open after having been painted shut), and to see that the temperature in the kitchen is at best a few degrees below the temperature outside b/c there's no means to cool it, and the fans are unbalanced and wobble violently, the front and back steps are cracked and missing supports (the back ones, to the boys' place downstairs, are missing their railing too...), our balcony does not seem to be reliably connected to anything, the back gate is a rickety joke where someone cut through the lock a long time ago......

August 3rd, 2007

12:09 pm: sigh

People really, really need to learn basic customer service principles. Like, don't lecture your irate customer that Comcast's system is sound and it's their fault they weren't available. Especially when your customer has been hovering by the phone for 3 hours, determined that they will be there when the call comes through, which it DID NOT.

so the technician goes to the wrong door of 2 that enter the building (this always happens), and then allegedly calls our landline and leaves a message. Which is interesting b/c we don't have voicemail or an answering machine. And I was literally next to the phone the entire time (we did get some interesting automated voices and one call that hung up after 2 rings, but that was it).

and then, if you're serious about customer service, don't get all prissy about how the technician was there and can't come back. this is what i'm off work for, to wait around for nothing in a hot apartment (because the apartment management is incompetent and won't fix the AC)? RRRRRRRGH.

July 26th, 2007

09:44 pm: July 16, 2007

Op-Ed Columnist
The Waiting Game


Being without health insurance is no big deal. Just ask President Bush. "I mean, people have access to health care in America," he said last week. "After all, you just go to an emergency room."

This is what you might call callousness with consequences. The White House has announced that Mr. Bush will veto a bipartisan plan that would extend health insurance, and with it such essentials as regular checkups and preventive medical care, to an estimated 4.1 million currently uninsured children. After all, it's not as if those kids really need insurance - they can just go to emergency rooms, right?

O.K., it's not news that Mr. Bush has no empathy for people less fortunate than himself. But his willful ignorance here is part of a larger picture: by and large, opponents of universal health care paint a glowing portrait of the American system that bears as little resemblance to reality as the scare stories they tell about health care in France, Britain, and Canada.

The claim that the uninsured can get all the care they need in emergency rooms is just the beginning. Beyond that is the myth that Americans who are lucky enough to have insurance never face long waits for medical care.

Actually, the persistence of that myth puzzles me. I can understand how people like Mr. Bush or Fred Thompson, who declared recently that "the poorest Americans are getting far better service" than Canadians or the British, can wave away the desperation of uninsured Americans, who are often poor and voiceless. But how can they get away with pretending that insured Americans always get prompt care, when most of us can testify otherwise?

A recent article in Business Week put it bluntly: "In reality, both data and anecdotes show that the American people are already waiting as long or longer than patients living with universal health-care systems."

A cross-national survey conducted by the Commonwealth Fund found that America ranks near the bottom among advanced countries in terms of how hard it is to get medical attention on short notice (although Canada was slightly worse), and that America is the worst place in the advanced world if you need care after hours or on a weekend.

We look better when it comes to seeing a specialist or receiving elective surgery. But Germany outperforms us even on those measures - and I suspect that France, which wasn't included in the study, matches Germany's performance.

Besides, not all medical delays are created equal. In Canada and Britain, delays are caused by doctors trying to devote limited medical resources to the most urgent cases. In the United States, they're often caused by insurance companies trying to save money.

This can lead to ordeals like the one recently described by Mark Kleiman, a professor at U.C.L.A., who nearly died of cancer because his insurer kept delaying approval for a necessary biopsy. "It was only later," writes Mr. Kleiman on his blog, "that I discovered why the insurance company was stalling; I had an option, which I didn't know I had, to avoid all the approvals by going to 'Tier II,' which would have meant higher co-payments."

He adds, "I don't know how many people my insurance company waited to death that year, but I'm certain the number wasn't zero."

To be fair, Mr. Kleiman is only surmising that his insurance company risked his life in an attempt to get him to pay more of his treatment costs. But there's no question that some Americans who seemingly have good insurance nonetheless die because insurers are trying to hold down their "medical losses" - the industry term for actually having to pay for care.

On the other hand, it's true that Americans get hip replacements faster than Canadians. But there's a funny thing about that example, which is used constantly as an argument for the superiority of private health insurance over a government-run system: the large majority of hip replacements in the United States are paid for by, um, Medicare.

That's right: the hip-replacement gap is actually a comparison of two government health insurance systems. American Medicare has shorter waits than Canadian Medicare (yes, that's what they call their system) because it has more lavish funding - end of story. The alleged virtues of private insurance have nothing to do with it.

The bottom line is that the opponents of universal health care appear to have run out of honest arguments. All they have left are fantasies: horror fiction about health care in other countries, and fairy tales about health care here in America.

after all... who cares about preventive treatment? people can just wait until they're REALLY sick, clog up the ERs, and make it much more costly to get them better again... that sounds like a good plan.

seriously, how much longer till we rid ourselves of our brilliant president? sigh.

Current Mood: boredbored
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